Crushed,I wonder no more!

I am crushed and I don't  have the ability to entertain you any more

I am being cautious not to hurt you with my words so don't mind the distance

It is for your safe keeping

I don't  have it in me to believe in 'happy ever afters' anymore

Reality is too cruel for me to risk my heart like that ever again

The dish is too cold I have become numb.

I am grieving the loss of a loved one

Letting go isn't easy

I love you and I don't know how to get past this great grief etched deep in within me.

It's a deep deep ache I simply cannot explain.

Greet my silence coz that's all I can muster to express

You may not understand it 

Neither do I

My heart is heavy with grief

Sometimes it burns with anger 

Regret and shame come with disappointment 

Is this the end?

I am worn out 

I wonder no more

How do I go on?

Dear God,I can't go on

The hurdles are breaking me to pieces

I don't have the strength to look at him

Where is the road for me to follow?

Or the hope to look at the road ahead 

How do I go on?

Look, hasn't this cycle happened in my life over and over again?

When  shall it be broken?

Who am I that I cannot find rest from the tales/ ghost of my past?

Am I not worthy to be loved the way you have taught me in your word?

How do I go on?

I am angry 

I am hurt

I requested something from you Lord 

With pain, begging, weeping 

I knew my choices had many times led me to shame

And I wanted love that never came

Many vows that were broken

Let's not talk about lies that gave me false hope.

I am again witnessing them happen again

How can I go on?

Of what value am I?

 The one thing I want to keep a tight rope on 

The one thing I never want experience nor my children plagues my life

How long LORD?

How can I go on?

What do I do

I do not trust him

I am angry

Where is the Truth?

Where is the Action?

I do not have the strength to bare this scars 

So how can I go on?

As I begin to regret my choice 

Knowing full well that I am not perfect 

I wish things were different

I wish I could forgive you

God, if this must go on 

You must change lot of things 

I desire perfect, but in essence I really want more of you 

God I will take a miracle too

I will take you intervening

Help me go on...

No Fight Left

oh LORD,Jesus Christ am giving up,
i try to tighten my grip to move forward
i don't have the strength any more
i am not interested in this
i just want to go, disappear
where to i don't know
and there is no fight left within me.

i don't have purpose no more
every where i turn
here i am unable
there i am dissatisfied
look keenly is this what you desired for me
this is not what i desired for myself
oh God i cant live like this anymore
my heart is heavy with pain, grief
and there is no fight left within me.

Jesus, i know you understand my woes
and know them
i don't want to be like this
where is thy hope?
will you rescue me?
please hear me
theres no fight left

God if you don't rescue me who will?
Jesus do something
anything, i need you
do not let me die a little more inside tomorrow.

you have given me air to breathe
yet i live without purpose
just a another day of misery
no breakthrough, no redemption
yet this are the very things i want you to bring forth
joy, breakthrough,redemption, saturation of the Holy Spirit,
purpose, strength the list is endless

God would you meet my spiritual needs?
my tank is empty
the gauge is reading empty minus minus negative zero
i  am running the race or am i crawling on the ground for victory?
look at my poor state with compassion
send forth thy word.

Hear my cry

Look LORD my life 

I cannot pick up the pieces

I do not know how 

Or where to start

I am inadequate 

No matter what I do

I can never satisfy my souls desire

Lord, You alone satisfy

I desperately need you

I love how I knew you 

How I was close to you

I miss you

How long Lord will I long for you in this way?

Please help me

Draw me close

Redeem me 

Holy Spirit pour into me

Guide my life,guide my mind

I tell you now

I don't like where I am right now

I hear you Lord but I want more

I need more

God, would you enlighten me

Since when can I not do the things i love doing?

Why? 

I am fighting with my power and might to keep up

When I don't am falling away 

I am growing tired and weary

Lord would you restore the joy of thy salvation in my life?

Deep and rich than before

I love your presence Lord

I love the joy of being right with you

I love the sweetness of being in step with you

I love the way I hear you loud and clear

And I am confident in You

Restore Lord, double portion

Lord I recognize You are The strength of my heart

A SPADE NOT A BIG SPOON!

Dear reader,

I am Love. I love you so very much. I want you to get to know me. I have loved Long before you even took notice of me. I know your name, I know everything about you, I know your weaknesses, your failures, your choices,your sins and I still love you so very much, with a matchless love. However, I hate your sin, it displeases me yet I love you so much and I will not relent till I have you back in my tender loving arms. My people are imperfect, but the work I have started in them, I will surely complete it until the coming of Our Lord Jesus Christ.It may seem that they hate you and some probably do, but I want to tell you this.
You are my creation. I love you so very much and my heart breaks because of your sin, my daughter, my son, sin is not your identity, I am.
I The Lord your God, God of Abraham and Isaac.

I want you to know my love. How high, how wide,how deep is my love for you. All I ask is you give me a chance.

Love Jesus Christ,
 

1 John 1:5-10
5 This is the message he has given us to announce to you: God is light and there is no darkness in him at all.
6 So we are lying if we say we have fellowship with God but go on living in spiritual darkness. We are not living in the truth. 
7 But if we are living in the light of God’s presence, just as Christ is, then we have fellowship with each other, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, cleanses us from every sin. 8 If we say we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and refusing to accept the truth. 9 But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from every wrong. 10 If we claim we have not sinned, we are calling God a liar and showing that his word has no place in our hearts.

Yes, we all sin. Now don't get me wrong. Maybe I want to defend God or faith or maybe it's the body of Christ, I am standing firm for here. God loves us absolutely nothing can change that. It is sin He hates.
Right now, we may seem bombarded by all sorts of hate speech or whatever. But what I know is you are loved,God loves you desperately and He wishes you would part ways with sin.

Honestly, the way I see it, people will love you because they know God is love but they also know,knowing God and living in God does not mean accepting sin to be A.O.K.

We will have turned wrong to right and right to wrong. It is not that Christians hate gays, it is because we love God and fear Him that we desire to keep His decrees so adamantly and if I have failed as a Christian to the love a sinner and hate the sin but instead have loved the sinner and tolerated the sin or hated the sinner.

I am not perfect and in fact have sinned as well.

So let's not throw words at each other and settle this matter. Violence will not solve it.
Cursing each other will not either.
Let's call a spade a spade not a big spoon.

New Wine, New Wine Skin

Oh God I know I have deep rooted problems

And I am never satisfied with just knowing something

I always want to understand it

Understanding things creates depth and a connection to clarity,certainity and peace, I just love wrapping my mind and heart around,

The confidence to fully express myself to the exact detail 

Eliminates confusion and more pain and wastes less time,

I know you know exactly what my deep rooted groaning is all about,

How they came about, and why they still exist

My emotions are frantic, scratching and screaming with the eagerness to move on

A burning in my heart I want to let go

I know how poisonous it is

I am tired of who I have become because of pain, unforgiveness and mostly shame

God I really don't know what you see in me

I know that you love me

For a change this year I want to be the woman you see

I want to stop clinging to identity my emotions say I am

And be who You say I am in every sense of the word

I want to abandon the shame, the pain 

I come to you seeking refuge, direction, renewal of my heart, healing of my heart

And so much more

I want to cling on you

Be my identity, be my smile, my love, my everything

Who am I? You have placed so much value in me 

I am saved by grace,

But all I potray is my disgrace

That is not how it's supposed to be

You changed my life in great ways

Those who witnessed and are still witnessing 

Know that you are The God of Wonders

I want to experience change in my inner most being

Oh Jesus Christ

You know exactly where it hurts

Change the attitudes of my heart,

Make them beautiful, positive, uplifting,alive

Healed,washed,cleansed

I know that I need you

Oh Jesus woe me

Take pity on me

Give me your shoulder so I lean on it

Give me your clothe that I may wipe my tears with it

Give me your encouragement

Give me yourself

You have shown me unconditional love

Kept me when I didn't want to kept

Cleanse me when I wanted to be dirty

You chose me when I wanted nothing to do with you

Yet Oh God I give myself to you

Stretch your strong arms and take me  into your arms

Let the fire of The Holy Spirit , the love of The Holy Spirit towards You grow in great depth in my inner most being

I want you

I need you

I am thirsty for you

I hunger for you

Teach me Your ways 

I no longer want to believe myself

I want to believe you

No longer do I want to be friends with the ghosts of my past

I want that new wine, in the new wine skin

Lord Jesus, my efforts, my strength have failed me

Send forth your Word that I maybe new wine in the new wine skin now!

I no longer want to live a defeated life

I no longer want to think defeated thoughts

I say no more, I have had enough of the torture

My God sits on the throne

You have given me victory

 

Today I am a blessed woman

I am worthy

I am loved

I am not my insecurities

I am not my past 

I am strong, I am able

I am the daughter of the most High God, Jesus Christ

I am saved

I am confident, I am bold

I am wise, I am discerning

 I am self controlled

I am kind, I am loving, I am patient

I am capable, I am Spirit-filled

I am moving forward!!!! 

You were always listening

I tried to speak,
But my voice was drowned by rejection and abandonment,
I resorted to hiding myself in the pages of diaries upon note books,
Feeling stabbed I expressed my bleeding wounds with pen and paper,
A hurting heart that tried almost everything to make sense of the pain,
To make it go away,
You watched me suffer all that time,
Why?
I hear you say, " I love you."

Last night, I sat awake in my bed,
I realized I have been sitting in silence for a very long time,
I gave up on ever speaking,
And now for  the first time of my life,
 I actually had something important to say,
But it was covered with shame,pain and questions why,
Suddenly from the 13 year old girl lost and confused,
10 years down the line my voice had still never been heard,
But my walls were high and well known.
He robbed me the confidence to speak,
and everything that involved speaking became a task,
I would swallow my speech,
and empty my mind,
my identity had sadly become one of shame,worthlessness....
The hard nut to crack!
So why would my opinion matter? I would ask myself.
I am the disgrace, I would think,crying

Wishing,hoping I would be loved,
Held and told all would be okay,
And know that someone was listening to the cries of my heart,

Oh God I know you are still listening
Forgetting isnt healing
Heal me.

Step by step you lead me :-)